I write a newsletter over on LinkedIn called Progressing Professionalism, I don’t normally cross post them but this one was a bit more personal and I figured I’d share it here as well. I think we all struggle a bit with high standards for ourselves. If you’re interested here’s a link to subscribe: https://www.linkedin.com/build-relation/newsletter-follow?entityUrn=6975116073893253120
I’ve written about perfection multiple times on this newsletter, even dedicating an entire article to accepting imperfection. It was all written from the exterior perspective, accepting someone else’s imperfections, and I hadn’t addressed accepting your own. As often happens my neglect of this topic has been playing out in my own head the last couple of weeks.
I embarked on a course earlier this year to learn more about interviewing and pitching to the media, and it’s certainly been interesting so far. I’ve had the opportunity to do a few interviews and one of the hardest things for me has been the intense vulnerability that comes afterwards. I’ve realized that that vulnerability comes from that intense expectation for perfection I have for myself.
I’ve strived to be far kinder to others then I am to myself. Which is something that is rooted deep in my psyche, and sits somewhere in the orbit of my transness. I grew up in the 90’s when the existence of trans people was starting to peek into popular culture, and always in a very negative way. I still struggle with the idea that I am a monster because of who I am, but it was much worse when I was younger. Which contributed to a sense that if I wanted to grow up and live the kind of life everyone around me had, I would need to hold myself to the highest possible standards.
Not that it worked out very well, I just ended up with all of the guilt and shame and still made plenty of mistakes. This does help illuminate the feelings I had after each of those interviews. By all accounts they went fine, but the intense feeling of vulnerability stuck with me, for one it lasted days, with a panic attack sprinkled in for good measure.
I was holding myself to an impossible standard, that each interview would need to be so incredibly positive; especially in a time when the world feels so very dark for trans people I wanted each interview to feel like I was making things a bit brighter.
It didn’t feel like that at all, they were quick interviews that were merely chips against the monolith of discrimination and misunderstanding queer and trans people face, they were part of the work, but not the end of the work. It was exhausting to put so much of myself out there and to feel so little come from it, and then the doubt snuck in. ‘Well maybe they would have felt better if I’d done better.’ Then comes the replaying and finding fault, and of course there’s room for improvement and thus the cycle of perfectionism ate it’s way through my brain for days.
I’ve advocated that accepting a little discomfort and being comfortable with imperfection amongst others are key skills for any professional. I hadn’t really applied that to my own head. I knew the work was going to be difficult, but I hadn’t prepared myself for how uncomfortable with my own imperfection I was going to feel. It doesn’t mean that the work isn’t worthwhile, and I shouldn’t invalidate myself because it wasn’t immediately world changing.
To come around to a point, it’s okay for us all to feel this way. Especially if you don’t fit a ‘traditional’ mould of a professional, it’s going to feel weird sometimes, and it’s not always (or ever) going to feel good. That doesn’t mean you need to bring yourself down with a preconceived idea of perfection. Know that one step done imperfectly is better than a perfect step never taken, even if that one step feels so very small compared to the journey remaining.